It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t just want him. If I could go out and just pick up any man. So many want me, they tell me so.
I walk the streets and men — old men, young men, scrubby men, professional men — they watch me and they tell me how beautiful I am to them. They watch me, sex and wanting to fuck me written all over their faces. Then there are the guys who have genuine crushes on me and who are unendingly sweet. I could have them all if I wanted to. I just want him.
Right now, I just don’t even seem capable of fantasising about anyone else. His face is the one I see… I’ve even tried not giving my lover a face in my mind, but his is the one that swims into focus. His body, his laughter, his smile, his eyes are the only ones I care about, the only ones I want here with me.
What’s worse, it’s amazing how the fantasies he has shared with me, concerning me, have somehow crept into my mental landscape; lodged themselves in my mental rolodex. Now, I fantasise about the things he fantasised about. His fantasies about me, are now my fantasies about him — embellished by me no doubt, but what was the core of his dream, is now the core of mine.
He said he spent nine years with me as a part of his fantasy life, plagued by an inability to requite his feelings; now it seems I doomed to have him as a part of my fantasy life and I have no way of requiting my own feelings.
Fucked up irony, don’t you think. This is why God is half female, that’s where God’s sense of humour lives.
I’m twisting in my sheets again and it’s his cock I’m writhing on, his mouth against my ear and his voice whispering to me and his tongue and mouth sucking and licking me; it’s him I am imagining without even knowing it, without even wanting it to be, without even trying. I try to play with the words he says, words I know I have to beg him for when we ….. and this is interesting; I don’t know what to call what we did. Did we fuck, did we make love? Is a fuck the one where you get faded after or is making love the kind that binds you together?
He told me point blank he didn’t consider it fucking, it was making love for him. If that’s true, why am I alone tonight? More to the point, why do I feel fucked, not loved by him?
In my fantasies, he always says all the things I want to hear and they punctuate his movements inside me; I fantasise we are making love and transcending the mundane. He gives to me unreservedly and I twist and writhe and he urges me on and I give him back all he has given and more. We create a feedback loop.
I want to cum but it is so painful to me that it’s only fantasy and he is not there and when my pussy clamps and convulses, it’s on itself like a hunger pang in an empty belly. My mind simply can’t make it real enough for me and like I said the memories come unbidden, unwelcome and without surcease.
I tried to tell him all this but now, I don’t even think he cares, no matter what he says, because actions speak louder than words.
I get jealous when I think about him fucking someone else….. giving someone else orgasm after orgasm, promising someone else things that I will never get from him. There’s an Indigo Girls song playing in my head:
Land Of Canaan
You can go to the East
To find your, inner hemisphere.
You say we’re under the same sky babe,
You’re bound to realize, Honey, it’s not that clear.
I’m not your promise land
I’m not your promise one
I’m not your Land of Canaan, sweetheart,
Waiting for you under the sun.
I’m lonely tonight, I’m missing you now.
I’m wanting your love and you’re giving it out.
I’m lonely tonight, I’m lonely tonight, I’m lonely tonight.
Well the meanings changed (for what it’s worth),
It’s just a senseless game.
I should think of love, but it’s fear every time I hear
Your heart strain.
It’s not the fallen man,
It’s not the call of time,
It’s just the London skyline
Telling me you’re not mine.
I’m lonely tonight, I’m missing you now.
I’m wanting your love and you’re giving it out.
I’m lonely tonight, I’m lonely tonight, I’m lonely tonight.
My blood is running dry,
My skin is, my skin is growing thin
For every time you find yourself
You lose a little bit of me, from within.
It’s just a raging cycle, why can’t we
Bring it all to the end of the line.
From inside this existence, sweetheart,
Time is not on my side.
I’m lonely tonight, I’m missing you now.
I’m wanting your love and you’re giving it out.
I’m lonely tonight, I’m lonely tonight, I’m lonely tonight.
I’m not your promised land, I’m not your promised one.
I’m not your promised land, I’m not your promised one.
I’m not your Land of Canaan Sweetheart,
I’m not your Land of Canaan Sweetheart,
I’m not your Land of Canaan Sweetheart,
Waiting for you under the sun, I’m lonely tonight.
——–
I keep reminding myself that I am moving on…. this is just the product of all that oxytocin dying down, weaning out of my system.
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