I had a marvellous day of rest yesterday.
I slept until almost 1 o’clock. You know you are sleep deprived when look at the clock and realised you’ve slept for 13 hours….. and punch the air and pump your legs for joy! A whole marvellous 12 hours, with no ringing phones, no TV, no music, no dogs freaking out with the barking (or at least I tuned out the dogs……..).
I stayed up until 4 pm and then slept for another two hours; then got up, cooked my dinner, watched “Dead Like Me” then crashed again. (I love that show!!! It is so hilarious!!!)
I got up this morning bright eyed and bushy-tailed, feeling more energised than I have in at least two months. I divined on the situation with this back-stabbing underling, and made a decision. I was resolved…….
I sent her home today.
I do not feel bad, because Life Lesson #1: Their are consequences for your actions.
I sure there are my own consequences that I have to face about this decision. Maybe things will get better.
Besides, it’s not like her back-stabbing did it, it was just the final straw. She had been unproductive for weeks and weeks. Someone will be in to take her place tomorrow. That is the way it is.
I am hungry as I type, since I haven’t eaten as yet. (It’s 6.21pm) I’ve been rushing around adjusting the workflow to accommodate the lag, but since I’ve been doing most of the work myself for the last two months, it hardly seems like an unusual thing, but I guess I felt it more today because I wasn’t lying to myself about the workload. Today was probably not the best day for this underling to take a two hour lunch.
I am learning how to let go of responsibilities that were never mine to begin with. I am deciding that I can only truly be responsible for what I am responsible for….. me and my own behaviour; whether the moochers appreciate that or not is no longer my concern. I have to keep something for me. Another marvellous lesson, leader learn…. the amazing power in delegation.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
I am still in love, no matter what I say, no matter how and where or to whom I deny it. My feelings are real and not fucking going away. There are days when I deeply, deeply wish they would. I guess I am going to have to learn how to deal with what is and not what I want to be. Love is as it is, the package, the surrounding details all fade as the core of it burns brightly and undeniably. I continue to struggle against the paralysis that reciprocity, or rather, the lack of reciprocity causes. Maybe I continue to wait because the reciprocity is there and I just don’t know it. Maybe I continue to wait because of the revelations in divination. Maybe I am waiting because my responsibility has not been dispatched as yet. Maybe it’s just my fucking karma to wait.
Maybe I am not waiting at all.
Me, I just have to deal with what is, not with what I want to be.
That, I am realising is one of the hardest lessons to learn. We get so wrapped up in who should be doing what and when and why, that the actual thing itself gets away from us, escapes into our fears and we lose the ability to track it.
Not me–I do not have the luxury of self-deception. I may experiment with it from time to time. but ultimately my brain and spirit are not built for anything other than truth. As apetebii, I am bound to speak the truth, to be sincere and honest.
What I want is not something I know whether I am going to get or not. I want to work for myself and be a successful businesswoman. I want to change the Caribbean for the better. I want to be a force working to alter the negative energy that has accumulated in the world. Sounds ambitious, right? Something is calling me….
Sounds crazy, right? Or do you believe it somewhere deep in your gut too.
Oyadele, my cousin, told me once that the result is almost unimportant….. to pay more attention to the process….
A true traveller, knows not his destination.
Is this too much like riddles?
I want my husband to open his arms and his heart and welcome me, the returning goddess and I can worship him as the god he is. I want children and be the kind of mother that heals wounds instead of opening them and pouring salt in.
All I can do is try and be open to the experience.
I am deep into catharsis. I am rising out of my own ashes, and as overused a metaphor as it is, I am still rising out of the ashes of the house I have burnt to the ground around me. I do it every once in a while to remember that all things are impermanent and change is the only constant. I think this too, is the way it has to be. I am learning my own grit, feeling my own traction, feeling the importance of internal friction in this growth process. Maybe the day will come when all things will be simple and easy, maybe they will never be that way.
All I can be is me.
Mama Osun wants me to come back to the river.