Desiderata

I am such a dull person. I don’t know why all this shit happens to me, other than my heart always runs away with my head.

So everybody knows now. All the dirty laundry is swinging in the breeze. Chile, if it wasn’t for a sense of humour! This is serious business though.

Everybody knows his name. Knows what happened between us. Most important, she knows. I thought she knew all along, and she didn’t. This was like rebreaking a leg for it to set right. She is very hurt, and lord I’ve been in her shoes so I know the pain and agony.

I always told people, I don’t fear the truth, because I have nothing to hide. I also don’t run from the truth, because when it hurts, it’s the shit I remember and value the most. I also felt repressing the truth was causing me fundamental spiritual harm. My mistake was in swallowing the truth, and it has cost me dearly. By helping him to keep his secret and remaining his dirty little secret I have lost a part of myself.

I am glad this came out, because I was tired of trying to forget his cruelty and his cowardice.

All I can say is, I have prayed for release from my feelings and my heart. I have not divined to ask about anything to do with my life in almost a month. I have only prayed. Made what offerings I could, and asked from release from the pain and the lies and the confusion, to be free from my fetters, and to grow spiritually.

I needed to speak the truth, to live in truth. To stop lying to myself. To stop asking for things and being grateful for the little things I have.

It’s not just with Patrick, Mystie and the whole shebang. We all lied to protect him, when he made a choice based on his fear rather than honour and truth. So I don’t know I have sympathy for him right now. I have sympathy for her.

I didn’t actually start it, it came from left field, long after I had given up all hope to be heard and was living with my depression and frustration. My greatest lesson in the last week, the Universe’s reminder was to speak the truth.

Someone from the outside, pulled a reality check, and the subsequent cascade effect has culminated into all the cards being revealed. I think she and I both came out about even, so who is the real loser? I wonder if I hate Patrick/Sweet Thing…. but know I don’t have the capacity. I know my respect for this girl has suddenly increased. I don’t think she deserved what he did. I don’t think I did either.

I have felt lonely and scared at times, but I never mind being alone. I have tried to be wise and with only moderate success. I have been angry and bitter, but the boil has popped! Praise God, because it was killing me!!!

I am grateful for the Universe for allowing healing to now begin. I wish this for all of us. For the entire planet, but I am starting with me.

So all I can do is continue to live my life.

One of my Iyas told me last night, Osun women attract men like flies and they come because they need what they have and can’t deal with what they can’t give, but still drawn to the honey all the same. She said some men come to stand up beside you, some men come to give you sexual pleasure, some come to give you children, some come for the lessons your dispense. I have to accept that. I also have let go of the situation.

I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed.

I have spoken my truth to Mystie, I have spoken my truth to Patrick, maybe they can speak their truth to each other. It is for me a liberating thing to say their names. To be open. I can only pray now and use protection against the negativity. Lawd, I’m sure there’s more coming.

I have prayed for my emotional release. I have prayed for my heart to change. Right now my spiritual self is clamouring for growth, and loneliness aside, I have brakesed a few times approaching the former threshold and have been in a state of contraction and expansion. I think this was a boiler waiting to explode, and now that it has, we can clean up the mess.

But the Universe is like that no?

What will happen now?

I am just glad I am no longer required to live a lie.

Whether we, all three of us, made mistakes, it’s the lesson we take away that will make the difference.

Me:

Desiderata

— written by Max Ehrmann —

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.