Some of you will remember I wrote some time back that I was really disturbed by the number of people who are aware of my life’s details. People are always telling you, keep your business to yourself.
Some of it, I do keep to myself, but most times, I just express my joy, my heartache, my happiness and sadness in as many ways as I can that allow me a way to find resolution.
Keeping this blog is certainly part of that, but you know I have people in my life that read it and hold it against me that I can speak about my business that way. I mean to go so far as to speak about me behind my back.
The older I get, the more I don’t give a fuck what people think about me and who are my friends and who aren’t my friends. I am walking my path, and do it alone if I have to, grateful for company when I can.
I don’t really do things I am ashamed of. Only people make you feel ashamed because of their expectations, their insecurities and their fear.
I will not be held ransom to those things, since other people are not my responsibility. Only me and my own behaviour are my responsibility.
I WILL NOT BE CENSORED!
No one is taking my voice from me ever again!!!
Never!
So read all what you think is fuel for your fears and your treatment of me. Here, slap my face twice if you think it makes you feel better.
I will speak my truth quietly and clearly, and pray for blessings upon my enemies. For fatness and wealth and plenty and peace.
I feel no need to defend my actions against people who don’t even bother to examine their own behaviour and practice any kind of self correction. I don’t pretend affection, I don’t pretend approval, I don’t pretend with anyone. I make no excuses for myself, and accept that people are in different places.
I am being me, and I am not going to allow my own fears to sway me from my course.
I WILL NOT BE CENSORED!!
Do you worst, it can’t be as bad as what I have done to myself.
I won’t accept that from myself any more.
What is more, Mama Osun is protecting me, because all negativity and negative people are slowly being moved out of my life. Out of my sphere of existence. I can see the light of dawn coming up.
There are always enemies, false friends and betrayals to deal with. All I can do is act in accordance with my conscience, my ORI! So I guess this is where I reaffirm my right to say what I want in here. This is MY blog.
I will not allow anyone the opportunity to make me feel small, because I have only ever acted as my conscience dictated.
No one…. in no place in my life.
I will cultivate humility…. a hard lesson, a hard thing, but I am commiting to that principle.
I won’t allow anyone to invalidate my expressions, because I am sincere in my dealings with people as much and beyond what I think I am capable of doing. I have gotten into this bad habit of being too diplomatic, because I have grown to eschew confrontation. However, I have paid a high price for it. I have chosen to remain silent about many things, and allowed myself to be angry or just merely hurt and end up not able to let it go.
Now, if I remain silent, it’ll be because I am prepared to let it go. If I am hurt significantly enough, I will confront the situation and speak truthfully, Otherwise I am going to just going to let it go. I’m not keeping anyone in my mind or heart for their wrongs or slights against me.
Chile, I have too many ideas I want to crystallise, bring to life. I don’t have time for pettiness or petty people. Lest you think I am speaking about any particular situation, I am not. I am speaking about MULTIPLE situations, that have all brought me to this point. There have been recurring themes in my relationships with maany people.
I remember Christine! Keffi! My sister, who stopped speaking to me for long periods because I told her the truth, but who taught me about unconditional love, and not taking the things people do personally. I mean, all the false friends, what could they really do to hurt me, I’m immune to talk. I’ve already lost the best friend I’ve ever had, so you know I am absolutely prepared to lose everyone else if that is the way my life is going.
I’m used to loneliness, and I actually have real friends and family that love me, so everyone else is just the chaff I guess .
I simply don’t care enough about the bullshit. I don’t like gossipers in any case, I don’t gossip. I always say people’s business is their’s when I talk business, I talk my OWN business, not other people’s. If people choose to keep their shit to themselves, that’s their choice.
It’s hard, but I am learning as I go. I always have to deal with the repercussions of being honest and open about my life and what I am going through, so having to deal with people and their reaction to my openness and honesty about what is happening to me and with me.
When people ask me how I am, I tell them the truth. I’m good or bad.
It’s doesn’t matter to me what parties I wasn’t invited to, about the man who didn’t choose me, about the job I didn’t get. If they were for me, then they were for me. What’s isn’t mine I don’t care much about.
The past won’t prevent me from concentrating on right now, this moment, because I am making my future. My future includes speaking the truth.
I feel sorry for those who don’t know what my true friendship, my true love, my true value. Those that do, won’t part ways with me for shit. Ask them….. they know my heart is pure.
Orisa knows my intent and heart is pure.
Besides I know how to forgive.
In any case, even if people use my words here in my blog as a mark of my stupidity, or as ammunition against me, I know I am protected and blessed, and well…
As my mother says, “oil ya back, girl”.
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