When I try to put into words, the way I feel about TMG, I am like all writers in the world that try to describe love. Our words may move others, but they are all nothing in the face of the thing.
There I am, thinking about him, and how strange it is that I haven’t been able to speak with him via email… that he isn’t sending me any little notes to let me know he’s still alive. Those entries from before, the few I’ve made during the last nine months, those were all inspired by an error message from his email address.
We can no more explain it, than explain our compulsion to try anyway. I have so little explanation for the way things have turned out.
He tells me he is sure we will see each other again. He has promised to come for me someday.
Maybe that is part of the thing that keeps me back. In my heart, I am still that girl he loved and left behind on some island&emmdash;waiting. Always waiting. Waiting for him. So many of my relationships with men, are for me, seeking for what I felt with him. This first one that taught me what it meant to love a man; what it meant to be a woman in love. To be a beautiful woman that he loved. Every disappointment, hurts the way he disappointed me, just not as bad. I just grow tougher with each one. I get more disillusioned and less tolerant and accepting.
There are times, when if the sweetness of our time together, and bitter cut of losing him created&emdash;the pain of which took me years to recover from&emdash; I wouldn’t believe that he was real. I don’t think I would have believed he existed.
I want to tell you this story, this amazing story that he and I have been. But that part of my life has already been recorded. I have the journals of the seventeen year old girl I was, and I have recorded the heartbreak of those years. Those are my little red challenge notebooks. I can look across the room and see them. I’ve read them and reread them. That is how I know he was real. I have the story already written. Maybe it’s just a part of me, I can’t really share with anyone other than him.
I think my great mistake was in not following him right away. Not going and camping out outside of Oberlin, and being there everyday during the hard work we both had to do in growing up. Maybe my great mistake is in lying to him, and him lying to me. Maybe we lost what we had through our own fears and insecurities, but to very marrow of my bones I still love him. I know he loves me still.
I think the reason why the feeling sustains in me, is because it sustains in him. He feels as I feel, and his own life I am sure provides him with as many constant opportunities to think about how everyone is not me, the way I think about how everyone in my life is not him.
From where I stand now, I know we let go of each other… met each other in the ether and released each other in love, so we could both go on to be different people. I know it all happened the way it had to. So I think it’s a heartless thing not to just go on loving him.
I will love someone else, I know; someone who will love me back and it will be the Great Sustenance of my life. But my Boobie will always be an ache in my heart. That part will ache until, in this life or another, our love is thoroughly requited once again.
I think my life is always a little easier to take, as long as I know he is out there in the world. Somewhere out there, loving me and remembering that little girl I was, and loved the woman I was becoming. Loves the woman I am, no matter the individual circumstances in our lives.
Where ever you are Boobie, Sweetie still loves you!
(Corny pet names I know, but we were crazy kids… and he’ll always be my Boobie; just like I will always be his Sweetie. That’s the part of him that will always and forever be mine.)
Boobie Related Posts
Entries containing the phrase "Boobie":
March 21st, 2003: Metaphors
March 21st, 2003: Will I See You?
May 24th, 2003: The Soundtrack
May 25th, 2003: Boobie Regrets
May 29th, 2003: Third Eye Opens
June 21st, 2003: Two Lives Pt. III
June 27th, 2003: Sweet Dreams
July 12th, 2003: Happy Birthday Boobie!
July 24th, 2003: The Anti-Gloat
September 06th, 2003: My Most Popular Words
November 07th, 2003: A Woman`s Worth
November 26th, 2003: Ink Blot Redux
December 25th, 2003: Missing…you!
December 27th, 2003: Partial Revelations