November 29, 2023

Dudes, I’m like getting ready to make a child. I still can’t really fathom this thing. I’m eight months pregnant.

I’m just about ready, and well where some pregnant women get to slow down about now, I’m kind of speeding up. Taking on work, and negotiating projects. Keeping myself busy in terms of working.

I’m under enormous pressure at home. It is only because I talk to my Ori everyday that I’m finding the patience to withstand.

I have however, been forced into making some kind of plan for what is going to happen to my life and made some short term goals. Something I can work towards.

A friend of mine today told me very cryptically, that justice is being served up for me. I’m not really sure what that means, because I couldn’t pry anything else out of her. But I pray every day, every night. I am holding on to my faith in the face of some shit you people would not imagine.

In a few weeks I’m going to have a little person to take care of. A little dude, with his own personality, his own sense of humour, his own energy. I’m like frightened out of my wits by this and totally stoked at the same time. I mean, this is my opportunity to give the world a cool headed, generous in spirit, loving and honourable human being. This is my ultimate goal in actually pursuing this whole parenting thing.

I want to know what unconditional love feels like coming from another human being. I want to love someone that way, and get it back. I don’t think there’s anyway to prepare for the experience of parenting, so I’m just going to take another deep breath and take the plunge.

I am not just talking about the job of parenting here mates. I’m like approaching labour and I ain’t lying, I’m scared. I have a fibroid that came with the baby, and grew with the baby. It’s caused me some serious discomfort, and I am afraid it may complicate the delivery. I am afraid, because I have a feeling I’m going to go through the experience alone at the mercy of some bitch nurses, because I can’t afford private care, or the gentle water birth I wanted.

I’m still pissed because I shouldn’t have to go through this alone. It still bothers the shit out of me, that the father of this child could be so cowardly. How is it that after promising me a whole heap of support and good intentions, that he could turn his back on his child. I just can’t help it. It bothers me. It bothers me that I have to go through all the hell of this experience, and he just gets to breeze through with his two long hands swinging.

Tired of throwing up. Tired of not being able to eat. My last checkup, a week ago, I tested positive for ketones. If that happens a second time, they’re going to put me in the hospital on a drip. But I’m still throwing up one a week, and everything I eat feels like it wants to come back up. So I’ve had to switch to a mostly liquid diet. Supligen is just about the only thing I can take consistently that doesn’t feel like it’s going to come right back up.

But hey, it’s nearly over right? Just another month. Holy shit! Just another month…

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dayo's mama, writer, web developer, orisha devotee, omo yemoja, dos aguas, apple addict, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, blog pig, trini-bajan, book slut, second life entrepreneur, combermerian, baby mama, second life, music, music, music!

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Conan Gray
123 days ago