Lard hav mercy…. the itch is back. My body nearly drove me crazy last night.
Why does the physical urge have to be so strong?
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. Godamn it. I let go, even though every part of me was screaming not to, I let go because it was the right thing to do.
Oh God, my body, my body….. my pussy itches and is on fire at night.
I think Green Day is right, when masturbation’s lost it’s thrill you’re fucking lonely.
How do I reconcile the intensity of my feelings for the boy and the way he treated me after he lit up all my nerve endings and found the parts of me that no one ever bothered to look for. He came to me with his feelings, I never even saw him that way. He says he never meant to hurt me, didn’t want to hurt me but he did it anyway.
How do I build up defenses against someone after they have been a ‘friend’ for years and years. How do I believe someone that after years of friendship, confesses they have deep feelings towards me, and then when my life bends itself to allow him a chance to requite his feelings and I was feeling all the things he said he had felt, he pulls off and heads for the hills.
I called him up and did it, really, really definitively said that was it for me. I was glad to do it, I feel better now that I have done it.
I am not sorry that I have withdrawn from this situation. I think his cowardice is probably a strong indicator of how he deals with a number of situations in life and I suspect that he would have a hard time dealing with me. I won’t let my fears overcome me. His silence, his disinterest, his attitude towards me, was starting to bring too many of my own insecurities to the fore. I rather didn’t like the feeling, I must confess. I won’t live my life in fear, fear of losing him, fear of never touching him, or holding him again. I won’t live my life in fear of being alone.
I never liked being alone before but it seems to be my most permanent state in that sense anyway.
My sexual frustration I’m hoping will pass. It did before. Back then, I was in love with someone that lied to me, betrayed me and eventually left my life. I always felt he and I were meant to be together and I still believe that if we were ever given a real chance, he and I would make a proper go of it. We never got our chance, because he decided for both of us.
I think the same thing about this one too. However, I never get the things I want like that. I guess I have to learn to make my peace with it. I decided for both of us this time. It was the only way I could get my power back.
I know my man, my lover, my mate is in my future. I know my children and a family will happen for me. I just need to take care of my right nows.
In the meantime, I suspect I am going to go a find some young thing I can train, not to keep. I actually don’t know if I can handle any more relationships for a while. I’ve been dealing with a few men in succession over the last few years and I think I am going to take a break from all that bullshit too.
I also think I am going to invest in some ben wa balls and a quality vibrator.
Masturbation may be a little rote these days, not fulfilling and somehow a little empty, but chile, it’s reliable at least, although when my pussy is very demanding I have to work much harder to stop the itch.
The only part that masturbation cannot cure is the memories. When I cum now, it’s his voice I hear, urging me on, begging me to cum for him. I can’t stop the memory of him inside me and I am defenceless against it. Hence the vicious physical cycle I have found myself in.