Writing this entry is difficult for me.
I rarely let on to anyone, the truth depth of my heart. I talk too much, I say things I shouldn’t, sometimes opening my mouth and putting my foot in it; but in general I get the feeling that very few people really know me at all.
I also have a tendency to intensely concentrate on an idea and working it, until it either flies or frays. People think I am very intense, and I know I am.
I am tired. I work so hard, and done so for now what amounts to half of my life, that in all seriousness, exhaustion in truly setting in bone deep.
Right now, this is the thing. I have truly been freaked out by this award thing. While, I have been unable to find anything negative said about these people, BID I mean, I have yet to hear any of the business people in Barbados who I know have received letters inviting them to come and receive said award, say anything positive. I’ve been told they felt it was a hoax, a scam. When I tell them that days of deep online research only turned up thousands of companies who have received it, and tons of national press in the respective countries of the award winners, they then say that even if they aren’t doing anything wrong, BID I mean, that they don’t think that the award has any value.
I was actually told by someone, that all the award does is appeal to my sense that I am doing well. What the fuck does that mean, that I’m not doing well in her opinion? I mean, what is wrong with these people?
How little do people know me….
Certainly I know the conference people and award givers are trying to raise their own profile as well as make money from their venture. The fee to attend the conference would be hard for a small business to generate, and in order to actually accept the award, you have to go there and get it, or pay a shipping fee and have the award and related materials posted to you.
However, this is the first time Sunhead has ever been singled out for this kind of award. After all this time, this is the first time anyone has ever specifically selected me for any kind of accolade whatsoever. Should I turn my back on this the first one?
I mean, I have been labouring in obscurity for eight years on Sunhead, and although I have desperately hoped for it, very few people in Barbados or the Caribbean even notice what I am doing. The young people I do this for, find Sunhead in little pockets, small numbers, but they enthusiastically support all I do, and are constantly encouraging me to keep at it.
As for web development for clients, I always produce quality work, no matter the circumstances, and like most independent business people, swallow alot of shit from people to make a living.
However, in Barbados particularly, you get no love from the agencies that say the support youth in business, women in business, small business owners and Black-owned businesses. Sunhead has been accepted in all kinds of business development programmes, accepted an International Global Entrepreneur Award, yet somehow, these various agencies expect my business to grow because…. why? Does capitalisation fall out of the sky? The entire system for developing small businesses is couched in lip service, and what I have bitterly come to realise that the system is designed to keep the rich rich and the poor poor.
I have done this thing, the child I have given birth to, been this person…. shit, what am I trying to say?
Sunhead is like my beloved and favoured child. Without any financial support, I have managed to keep it alive since 1996. Kept it alive and growing, developing; kept it in transformation.
I have continued to do this because well, I am the daughter of revolutionaries (on both sides of the family.) Doing things outside the box comes as second nature, because it’s simply a part of my genetic code.
The things is, I live in societies that do not appreciate people like me. People who do not appreciate a young mixed race woman who is articulate and educated, and in possession of iradescent qualities. So for me on a macro level, it’s always some fight down scene I am dealing with.
I would like to go to England and get this award, not for me, but in an attempt to push Sunhead into the next level of climbing. I want Sunhead to be self sustaining and then profitable, I want support to get all my ideas into actuality and more than anything, I want to get away from this bullshit system that if I listen to what they say, I’d remain a slave in the belly of the corporate Caribbean.
We need another rebel, someone that agrees with me when radical shifts in thinking are all that will save the corporate life. Why is it so exclusive? Why can’t women like me ‘get there’?
I am so sick of people telling me how much potential I have, how talented I am, how great I am, and when it boils down to put out or piss off, they tend to piss off. I find myself constantly disappointed in business agencies, because they really don’t help anyone but the people that don’t need it.
This award is some tangible recognition for the work that Sunhead has produced. I am not yet convinced that we should let the opportunity pass, because naysayers don’t think it’s worthwhile. These same naysayers don’t need to beg hat in hand to get a project going, they’re padded, lined and comfortable and don’t seem to want to help anyone if they don’t directly benefit from it. At least one person seems to be saying this stuff out of real concern and not out of a ‘fight down’ mentality.
I just haven’t even felt the desire to go to the Bajan business agencies and ask for help. I just can’t be bothered! I don’t want to have to deal with that fight down scene at all. So where to find the money to go?
At this point, I think it will take a miracle.
I am accepting donations to the cause; doesn’t anyone out there feel like they could help a sister struggling against a tide?
The thing is, my Baba says this is evidence of the blessings he knows are for me, and he thinks I should go if I can raise the money.