I’ve been to try my own voice to articulate much of my personal mental, emotional, spiritual states. I guess the only way I can tell you is that I am at an in between stage.
I recognise things as they are, and I am becoming more mentally clear, and even stranger it is not from an emotionless place, but rather a passion-free place. I recognise my enemy, but I pity my enemy, and pray for her upliftment. I am fighting without throwing wild shots. I wonder if she even knows her veil has been pierced and removed, the sad creature she is, exposed for scrutiny and ultimately great pity.
I worry about her children. I wonder if she even understands that the saying, “what goes around comes around” is a cliché for a reason. Here’s another, “the sins of the father fall upon the heads of his children.” I wonder why these people don’t think about this before they do it. I am filled with pity for her. She’s too stupid to know better.
During the first bath I took, to cleanse myself and rid myself of this negativity, I prayed and prayed all the Orisa I could to fight for me, to protect me from harm. I asked for the weight of this negative energy to lift off of me, I prayed for it to be removed from me, and for protection against sorcery and witchcraft, from the bad intentions of others. I prayed and asked for protection for the children of my enemy, to let the foolishness of their forbears ruin their chances for happiness.
Now, even though I am still in close quarters with this sad, pitiful person, I only feel nothing. I don’t even mentally connect that person’s physicality with the darkness of the soul that could do these things to me, to hamper me, crumble my dreams and wish for my death.
I feel nothing for her.
Right now I feel free. I feel free because II can recognise that a greater force is at work in my life; that it sent me to the right messenger that could and did open the way for my salvation and redemption, validation, elevation and evolution to occur. That messenger led me to return to the ‘scene of the crime’ as it were.
Brought me back into close quarters with her, so I could deal with it; with the situation. It seemed, for a while, that my being here and having to go through all that torture and agony of loving PHG last year, and worrying about money, and hating work, and feeling lonely and abandoned, isolated, struggling to fit in with the ile and being alienated, all of it was tied up with this. It was getting so bad at one point, I could see no way out.
Maybe I had to spend all that time lifeless and limp, so I could regain the strength I needed to pull free, to break free, to let it go and leave it behind me.
Maybe I had to be in the presence of the wicked heart, and the haters so I could learn again what my own strength really is.
I have learnt so much for this sojourn. I have learnt to feel the power in my veins, my neural pathways.
I am changing, I am slaking off my skin, cells are changing and in revoltion. Saturn has returned and I passed the test. I faced myself and my fear, my paralysis and I acted. I sought my future with both hands, and my ancient self, my Beautiful Mother, has been with me, is with me, protecting me, and whispering to me: You’re okay, you’re okay.
That’s right, babies. I am like Luke Skywalker, in “Return Of The Jedi”…. my hand has been cut off, but my power has grown!
I am being fought for, I am fighting for myself. It’s not stupid lashing out… oh no. My game is far tighter than that now. I am fighting smart.
I am lucky. I am a lucky woman.
For the first time in years, I feel as though my world is changing. I can feel myself moving forwards. That force, immovable and heavy that I felt for so long, suddenly feels lighter.
I was told that after the second bath, things would feel better. After the third one, it would go even better. Then it will be time for the guard work; the laying down of protection and preventative measures.
Once that has had time to seep in, I am going to wrangle and wrestle my way out of the Caribbean. After that, the world is mine. I am going to learn to fly, to dance, to sing, to make love like the first time, make babies, make rebels, make beautiful things, and add to the world’s healing process.
Big Mami is growing into her boots.