I am in sooooo much trouble!
Young Mr K is this little cutie that lives across the street, and who’s taken to passing by and looking for me; checking for me every few days. He’s adorable. He’s a little taller than me, has a bald head and has this creamy coloured dark skin , that I just want to dive into with a spoon.
A couple of weeks ago, when I was feeling sick, he came by and brought me some chadon beni and orange peel for me to make tea with. He’s been inviting me out, and I’ve been inviting him out. We never seem to get it together. He does however, come over and watch movies and talks shit, shoot the breeze with me at least once or twice a week since November or December.
We’ve had some very interesting conversations about web development and other things. He’s an extreme newbie; let me show you how much. He’s been paying someone to teach him how to use Front Page. Isn’t that just a gas! I’ve told him as much. I blame youth and inexperience. I suppose we all have to start somewhere.
He’s twenty-three, and there’s the catch. I think Young Mr K has a little crush on me. That’s okay, I have a little crush on him. So you know, I think we’re even on that score. But nothing more than hanging has been happening between us. I am quite torn as to whether anything should happen between us.
He showed up a couple of weeks ago with two other guys, Chris and Brent. They came and asked for Star Wars, I made them watch Rabbit Proof Fence.
They were asking me if I was going to see The Passion of Christ. I said absolutely not! I’ll sit down and watch The Passion of Christ, and The Last Temptation of Christ (which I’ve never seen) together, back to back. But now, in the heat of things and all that charged up opinion. I pass. Both times I passed. I also feel no need to watch that kind of rampant propaganda in the cinema with
I pulled out my soap box for a minute, and I told them some things. Managed to turn them on to Rabbit Proof, even though it was touch and go for few times.
They were stunned when I told them that I had read The Lord of The Rings eight times.
Chris said, “We don’t read books that we can watch as movies.”
I told him, “You really do not want to start me on things like that.”
He says, “What do I mean? I read you know, computer books.”
“That’s the problem with black people in this part of the world. All over the world. Not enough of us are reading. Africans invented language and the mother of all writing, and the sons and daughters of Africa don’t read or write. We are lost, and we have lost all that holds us to the truth. This is why you can sit here at my feet and tell me that the Passion of Christ is ‘actual recorded history’. What the fuck! All the knowledge in the world is around you, is there for you to access. Yet you only want to read computer books. No brother, you need to go back. You need to go and learn who you are, before you can start moving forward as a person. You should be willing to read any book eight times!”
In the end, they were noticing the camera angles in the film. They also gave me pounds and respect when we left. Only one of them has come back since then. The other one has offered to buy my TV.
We talked about the camera angles in and pictorial values in Rabbit Proof, but you know, these guys weren’t exactly lightning quick you know. Young Mr K said nothing much, but we talked aboout the movie before, and he listened to one of my first drafts of the review I wrote. We’ve watched a lot of TV together over the last four or five months. We’ve smoked together too, so there’s been a lot of mental, intellectual conversation between us. He’s so young, so exposed and underexposed at the same time. Yet, he’s so intelligent, and quick.
Didn’t I fucking say I was in trouble! Somebody fucking believe me please! (lol)
I think I really want to fuck this boy. I really want to take him into my bed and see if all that creamy skin is that soft, and if he fucks as good as he looks, and you know what? I really don’t want to apologise for feeling that way.
Our conversations have been consistently interesting over the last few months, and well, you know I catch him looking at me.
So he shows up here last night, after saying he was coming since morning. He said he was going back out to go and get some stuff, and then come back. Except, he just lingered and lingered. I went out to get some water, and the electricity between us was just intense.
Lawd oi! Big Mami in trouble….
He did come back last night, and we had a frank discussion about sex for the first time. He flat out asked me why I didn’t have a man.
“You can’t believe that some one as cute as me could be by myself? I know, I understand.” I threw a sly little look to my left, looking at him sitting on the floor next to my bed.
So I told him the story, of leaving Barbados and RBB, and about that fucking PHG/Sweet Thing/ImFuckingFedUp drama last year.
He said at one point, you know he has no problem with casual sex. He offered without actually saying, “Do you want me to fuck you?” Although I prodded him quite a few times to come out and say what he meant. He said everything but that.
So we talked, and he told me a lot about himself. All the reasons why he is the way he is, and does the things he does. I understood him perfectly, it’s not like I haven’t had many dealings with 23 year old men.
Then there is this definite age gap. This mental and spiritual distance between us that is very real. I think last night was probably our first real conversation in the four or five months it’s been since I met him. If only because, much of the shit got cut away and we really communicated, even if it was cryptic in places or veiled in some.
We had a conversation as a man relates to a woman.
I also have a confession.
Before he came over, as much to ease my own tiredness and body aches, I took a bath with lavender, rosemary and a few drops of Lovers oil. The Lovers oil, is a well known attraction oil used in candle magic, rituals and spells. It’s also been encouraged as a perfume oil. I got on my trip to the botanica, because one of the candle rituals I had been interested in called for it. Since then I read from three or four different sources, it was a good oil to in your bath water, as well as behind the ears, the knees, the ankles.
I guess I did it out of curiosity to see what would happen.
So he came in and as we were talking, it seemed as though he could not tear himself away. At one point, he was fidgeting so bad, I thought he was going to just pounce on me. I’d see him looking at me out of the corner of his eyes, and well the conversation was loaded from beginning to end.
“Oi! But what it is that happen to you boy? You like ya cyan keep still?”
His excuse was that the gym was closed and it was Sunday. I think I have a good idea otherwise.
This morning, as I was walking out the door, there he was. He walked me across the road and we stood talking while I waited for a car to go to work.
Naturally, my girls at work are not telling me to back down. They’re all like, go for it. They both think he is hot, and you know, so do I. He is so cute. All the women I know who have seen him hanging around me, are like, “Yum! Yum! Who dat?”
Me, I am hesitant. maybe I just haven’t reached the point of no return, because as yet… he hasn’t touched me yet. When he came back last night, we never kissed, never touched. You could cut the sexual tension between us, but we just stayed a good distance away from each other.
I don’t know if I am going to be able to resist for much longer. I am in such a tizzy I confessed my lust to smotlock! I’m think smotty probably believes me to be some desperate, sex starved freak. Although, I think he should be happy to have those kind of people as friends, all things considering.
Guess who was just coming up the rounded hill that terminates at my front gate, as I slid past in the taxi? No, you don’t say? Yes honey, it was Young Mr K. Don’t you think life is trying to tell me something?
When I got home, I stood there in the yard, and it was him, in a few minutes, he followed me into the house, and we chatted for a few minutes before he took off again.
He said fifteen minutes, he’s been gone for an hour and half. I expect that though. He’s probably sitting on a block somewhere liming, or pitching woo elsewhere. Here’s the other thing. Part of our conversation last revealed to me, just how comfortable he is, in giving me sex, no strings attached.
He actually said, “I just hate to see anyone suffer.”
I was like, “Do I look like I am suffering?” (On the inside.)
I just couldn’t bring myself to be point blank and say the words. What is wrong with me? Maybe, there’s a reason I’m holding back and I just don’t understand yet.
Then there is this little voice inside of me telling me, Mama Osun sends men like that. I also wonder if he isn’t my secret admirer that Astra was telling me about. Except, Young Mr K, doesn’t strike me has a guy who is in love per se. At least, I don’t know. What do I know about it?
He also looks like a pussyist to me, pure and simple. I also get the feeling he puts it about and has put it about. I guess the real question I have is how much I care. I have enough condoms in my bedroom to last me a week or two of steady activity. So why do I care?
Of course, I am inside of three months away from leaving Trinidad, so I am not looking for a man. Which is just as well, since he has a girlfriend as well. Another one of those little items I stick thumbtacks into and putting up on an internal bulletin board.
I like him though. His laugh spills out of his eyes and I find that attractive. I like the way his mind thinks. And he is sexy as fuck, to fuck what can I say. Right now too, I need a fuck. Seriously. It’s been a year since I had it good babies, and Big Mami, is a woman still.
Except, there’s a part of me too that keeps whispering about pussy control and self control. Another part of me is whispering to let go.
:sigh: I even divined on this. With favourable indications.
So why am I still holding back?