I am still in a pretty pissy mood.
Wish I could report otherwise. I’ve been in England for three months today.
Today is also one year since I fell and broke my elbow.
My life couldn’t be more different today, than it was a year ago. My mother was so right about breaking bones and life changes. She says breaking bones is always about some spiritual crisis, some life change in progress or required.
I think now about how stressed I was then. Worried and spiritually approaching crisis levels and frustration that was too hard to swallow, and not knowing what to do about what was happening. Since I broke my elbow, my life has begun to change, and yes, I must say it’s changed for the better, because I got some hooks out of my hide and thwarted some designs on me.
Except now, I feel rootless and drifting.
I hate to admit it, but there is a part of me that thought I’d come to England and everything would just fall into place; a job would come, love life would settle into something steady and normal, spiritually I would find the answers I had been look into and settle into some ritualised practise. Maybe I’m expecting too much too soon, but I’m feeling as though I don’t know what or why I am doing here. My days lack shape, all I do is send out CVs, comb job sites, blog and search the web for topics of interest. If I could get paid doing that, I’d be making some good money, oui?
I don’t know if to call it second guessing, or doubts exactly. I still feel I made the right choice by coming to England, but I’m just so tired of being dependent on other people, of not having money, and being horny for someone out of my reach.
I’m starting to accept that my cousin’s not a bad fella. The silence and withdrawn aspects of his personality are just that, his personality. He’s been very kind to let me stay here, but he’s just not the caring, nurturing kind, and well you can’t expect that from everybody. It still leaves me isolated and lonely here in Kent, pinned down by lack of money and still unemployed, which is driving me crazy.
I’ve even been here thinking about ways to make money on my own. Waxing fanciful: If I could get a sewing machine, and a little capital, I could make bags and sell them on Ebay (I make really cute little bags… always have); I could do embroidery and put them on the bags (I’m a really good embroiderer as well). But then practical: Me ain’t have no money for a sewing machine, fabric or other habadashery.
Could I design blog skins for change? Who would buy them? Sugarmelon who’s been doing it for a while, says she doesn’t make much money doing it. I could start selling web hosting and domains, but that still requires an outlay of some kind, and that kind of business needs traffic and I am doubtful that people will respond with sales and actual cash. In any case I don’t have the outlay or infrastructure in place.
Could I find a rich man? I lack the ‘dumb down’ mentality it seems is required to interest and keep such a creature, and then there’s the other shit that comes along with those situations.
I’m just so tired of the struggle and I don’t know how I felt coming to England would be the end of the struggle for me.
Maybe I’m just jumping the gun, and I need more patience to wait for things to develop. My friends are all telling me three months isn’t long enough to really give this place a shot. My mother is telling me to come home if it gets too hard.
At least I have a roof over my head, if very little else.
The BIGWIG (at the BIGWIG company) and I conversed yesterday, he says he has nothing available right now, but that he’s thinking something may open up in a month or so, and he’ll keep my CV in the top drawer, because it looks like I might be good for something.
An agency called me back (now twice) today about a content management position up in Birmingham; they’ve put forward my CV, but nothing substantial as yet.
FUCK! I’m almost out of money, and not likely to get any anytime soon, and I just don’t have the heart to ask my mother to give me any, or anyone else to approach for help. Web hosting on Sunhead is due… and well it just seems like more of the same to me.
I refuse to cry, to lie down and admit defeat, but I’m just so *blah* right now… and the situation with YMK is not really helping my mood right now.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since I broke my elbow…
How different everything is now. How different I am now…