November 29, 2023

I don’t know where to begin. It’s not like this week has been bad, it’s been alright. It’s just I still have no peace of mind.

Sometimes I think I am falling apart, and because I am too hardheaded, I haven’t been able to give up. I would like to give up, would it be easier or harder. Just give up and let it wash over me instead of fighting. In any case, I have no fight left and even I have to admit it. I am that point where one is crawling, using torn ragged fingernails and bleeding fingertips to edge forward… like Frodo and Sam at the foot of Mount Doom.

I think something is wrong with me too. Like seriously wrong. In the last eight months, I’ve been having almost weekly bouts of severe indigestion. I don’t mean little tummy upsets, I mean serious stabbing, overwhelming pain in my stomach and occasionally accompanied by severe vomiting.

Last night it was back again, and after three hours of battling with the pain, I was inconsolably sobbing wondering what the fuck have I done.

I have changed my eating patterns, no more late night eating, especially not greasy food and no bread that’s older than a day or two; no acidic juice etc. etc.. There was absolutely no reason for my stomach to behave so badly last night, but it did anyway.

Prettytrini suggests it’s stress, and maybe she’s right. I’m terrified that I have developed an ulcer, except when I am vomiting there’s no blood and there’s no blood coming out of anywhere else either.

I am at my wits end. In two weeks I am back to square one unless I find some money quick. I put down the deposit on the flat, but where am I going to find the rent?

The agency dude called me, but he has no news from the interview I went to on Monday gone, and well…. all this holding on, holding on has worn me out. I’ve found myself thinking that even if things do turn around, I may not have any energy left.

I just cannot take any more. I am about to break.

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dayo's mama, writer, web developer, orisha devotee, omo yemoja, dos aguas, apple addict, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, blog pig, trini-bajan, book slut, second life entrepreneur, combermerian, baby mama, second life, music, music, music!

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Conan Gray
123 days ago