Show you how gobsmacked I am, this has been going on for almost a month and I haven’t been able to talk about it to more than two or three people and even then, only one in depth.
I am falling in love… I have fallen in love for the first time in years. I want to pick apart the minutiae of this thing, but I’m not sure I can. Where I could fill pages and pages of journals, write thousands of words about other men, I am struggling to write a thousand about this one.
I am still so shocked that I don’t think I can bare to expose it to the world. I can’t buss the mark and tell all the gory details, because it’s made me look inward to find my old dusty dreams and see what’s salvageable and I don’t know if I can stand to be that vulnerable and open. It’s hard enough doing that with just him and me. I am still looking inward to make sense of it all.
Thing is loving me is a big job for a big man; and this man has been in training for the work for at least ten months. He’s the only one who understands. He understands the thing that stalks me, he understands me, sees through me in ways I don’t think anyone else ever has. He KNOWS me, and I just don’t know how to talk to anyone else about what I am feeling besides him. He’s the only one I can talk to fully about what’s in my heart and that alone adds to the unusual and unique nature of what’s happening between us, because he echoes me, mirrors me… he’s the one I feel most comfortable talking to about what’s happened between us.
Seven years ago, before I knew anything about myself really, before I knew anything about Orisa, I wrote this:
The man I wish to love, the man I already do is in his early or mid-thirties, he is beautiful in spirit, loves art, loves to read, has a heart that is kind, he is very strong, he loves music of all kinds, he is financially independent and secure, he wants babies, he loves to dance and he will let me lead and he will take the lead from me only when he knows I’m ready to, he touches my skin, my heart, he loves the texture of me, he’s highly intellectual and loves mine even if he doesn’t agree with everything, he loves cats, he’s interested and willing to pursue and exploration of sexuality and divinity and all its interlocking parts, he likes my body as is, he knows how to communicate, he forgives me when I hurt him, he likes to travel, he’s a believer in justice, he wants to adopt children regardless of his own fertility, he’s interested in the occult (good stuff) and believes in good over evil, but understands evil has its place, but that good is the stronger, he has a close tight-knit family and loves big family gatherings, he loves to go to poetry readings, the theatre, he’s very sociable and enjoys having people come to visit and going to visit people, he is very vocal about his political views local, regional and international, and he’s strong enough to love despite reservations and will give all and demand all, will commit to sharing a life and will work at making love and not war, he accepts his faults, the faults of others but he works at bettering himself. He accepts me.
I have met him. This man I conjured with dead trees and a ball point pen, and had given up all hope of meeting. Now one or two things on that list don’t apply anymore, but like 95 per cent of it does, and well you know, compromise isn’t the same as settling. All the real important things on that list is there, even some of the less important things. It’s not about perfect, it’s about perfect for me, right? He was there… and I just never saw him until I saw him, until he wanted me to see him I suppose.
All I need, all we both need is a blessing… a sign from the Orisa that it’s the right thing, the right one, the right man and I’m the right one for him. I feel it in my stomach this is a keeper, and to the marrow of my bones I want it to be this one. This particular, special one.
For me, this has been and is a test of all the shit I say I’m about but never seem to have the strength to make real. For the first time in my life, I feel all those discarded dreams can be real. All of it and my entire nervous system is focussed, expectant.
Some will ask “Why wait?” You feel it, you do it right? But I think waiting is good. Being made to wait is good, builds up a certain kind of discipline. In this case, waiting has it’s own reward; I know. Besides, this is what I’ve said I wanted: a man who valued me more than my pussy, and who could wait for it when put to the test. He loves me and wants me. Wants me the right way. Wants to protect me and take care of me and fuck me until I can’t sit down or walk straight, but with the proper license.
Besides, we had months and months of building up a friendship completely outside of the normal man woman sexual dynamic. We built a foundation of friendship, spirituality and intellectual discourse and that is what shines through the dramatic shift in our feelings for each other. If we don’t get that blessing, our friendship will survive, but not without wounds. Now our minds as well as our hearts are engaged, so without an opportunity to thoroughly requite what’s between us, will hurt and wound, but we will recover. Also now I think it’s too late for us to retract our feelings, so whoever the ‘right ones’ are, they’ll have to get used to the ‘unique nature’ of our enduring friendship. I suppose to, if you put God first in any relationship it’s quite impossible to go wrong…
He has laid his life and heart at my feet, and I am willing to do the same, and it’s in friendship and now love I want to pick it all up and take it into me and let him do the same with me and mine. More than anything, his willingness to gather me to himself and protect me from harm, his desire to give me babies and make those old dreams come true is melting me to my core.
How could we NOT receive the blessings of the Universe?