It’s a few hours away from 2006 here in London, and I am taking stock of 2005 like so many people.
I don’t want to do a wrap-up of the year, much of what happened was blogged anyway. Yet, I feel as though this year I left something behind; something I was glad to leave behind. I believe it was the feeling that I didn’t deserve happiness…. that joy would never be mine.
I don’t know if I can articulate precisely what it is that I have left behind, but it definitely is fading away… shrinking into the distance between me and it. And this is a good thing. Whatever struggles this year brought me, disappointments and frustrations, I think that things have improved.
I have sustained myself one way or another for most of this year. I managed to keep afloat with a lot of help from kind people along the way, and although nearly every day brought worry that I wouldn’t get through to the next one… prayers and faith have sustained me. I suppose you can’t really ask for more than that.
I have made new friends, and I had to say goodbye to old ones. Some people reappeared at moments I needed them the most and gave their help and love wholeheartedly and without reservation. Other people I trusted and gave unselfishly to, disappeared when I needed them most and tried to steal my thunder, steal my joy.
I had to learn not to trust some people so explicitly and implicitly, and yet again I marvel at my Orisha horoscopes accuracy for this month.
Let me recap:
Ochun reminds you that you’re a person full of flaws and shortcomings, but also teeming with virtues. Being an excellent friend is one of them. Your feelings will be badly hurt because a close friend of yours is going to betray you. This will teach you a lesson about being more careful and less open for the coming year. Your guarding Orisha says you shouldn’t be sad because you aren’t the one who faltered. You were betrayed, so you must be at ease with yourself.
I have endured those betrayals, been surviving ongoing spiritual warfare and the abject selfishness, jealousy and self absorption of others, and had to learn to value myself more than that and not sink into the morass of other people’s mediocrity. I also learnt to stay true to myself and not surrender to helplessness, not to give in to anger. I also had to learn to trust again as well…. just to begin to chose better who I trust.
When I examine my actions over this last year, I feel that while some choices didn’t lead to everything I wanted, I acted with dignity and honour in everything and for that I am grateful. Grateful at least my character didn’t buckle under pressure.
In many ways I feel as though I have been rewarded.
This was a year I was surrounded and wrapped up in music… from January 1 to December 31 this was a year of MUSIC!! And I reveled in it… absolutely wallowed in the pleasure I derived from the music I have stored. I returned to the land of iPod and regret nothing.
I found love… real love for the first time in many, many years and that makes up for all the trifling bullshit I’ve had to put up with…. takes the sting out of some disappointments, soothes a hell of a lot of my frustrations. I don’t know what’s going to happen with this relationship, and we’re approaching an event horizon he and I, but I feel blessed, blessed to have had this time with him and have taken pleasure in loving someone again after so long. I also feel blessed to be in a position to consider a future with this man… a long future.
I thought it was a productive year. I got a lot done, made progress no matter how halting and I am in love; loved in return and moving forward head held high into a new year… knowing this year was a year I moved FORWARD inexorably!
Happy New Year ya’ll.